COVID-19: The Importance of Saying Farewell

This weekend the Good Funeral Guide has called for all funerals to be stopped - now.

Despite the severity of the current situation and the limitations that have been imposed on crematoria, I believe that a ban on allowing any kind of farewell, even for immediate family, is both cruel and unnecessary. Here’s how I responded to the GFG Blog:

Especially for Covid-19 patients, many families will already have been deeply traumatised by the brutal reality of having to leave their loved one in hospital to die alone. Already they will have been deprived of having been able to offer that precious ministry of presence and comfort at the bedside of a dying grandparent, parent or child. This has been poured out to me by two such families already, in heartbreaking detail. So to further deny closest family the right to be present as their loved one tangibly and finally leaves this world could be seen as compounding the pain and distress to an extent that for some will be utterly unbearable. This is certainly the view of those to whom I have already been in contact in order to plan a small but kind and loving farewell.

Given the fast-evolving nature of the crisis, it is inevitable that policy around the country will not be quite uniform. It does seem, however, that a majority of crematoria have managed to enable immediate family to attend funeral services, whilst abiding by Government regulations. A little humour may even be injected. I commenced a ceremony where chairs were set out to comply with “social distancing”: “Really sorry but Boris broke in here earlier today and messed up the chairs. Nevertheless, we are now going to honour and remember Mum with real love and appreciation.”

My experience as a minister and celebrant so far is that, despite the deep and undeniable sadness that more cannot attend in person, families have been relieved and grateful still to be permitted to say their goodbyes in a straightforward and tangible fashion. Webcasting and recording of services, along with written transcripts made available for distribution in advance of the ceremony, are additional ways of including the wider family and friends. How ever commendable the intention of planning a larger thanksgiving/memorial in the future may be, I suspect that any such gathering would still be tinged with the lingering regret: “No one was there to say goodbye.” 

In the desperately sad scene evoked by the famous lyrics of Lennon and McCartney’s song:

“Eleanor Rigby
Died in the church and was buried along with her name
Nobody came.” 

At least she had Father McKenzie to offer a blessing and commend her into God’s merciful keeping. Likely more than would be done if funerals are “stopped.”

Lucy Denyer wrote in The Telegraph last week of recently joining in a church funeral via video. She acknowledges the strangeness of the situation. Then she adds:

“Yet there was an intense sense of reality about this particular service. As the daughter of our friend put it when I spoke to her, ‘We had this freedom, because it was just us. There was no having to think about guests or caterers.’ And so they could focus fully on celebrating a life well lived and the rest of us had the privilege of joining in. And at the end of the funeral, when the prayers were said, there was a beautiful stillness. I listened to the birds. I whispered the words of ‘The Lord’s Prayer.’ And I was grateful to have been there, in whatever form I could.”